Goodnight Zainab...I do love you

it was an unusual moment of break
and it was not the break i was expecting.

in my mind, i heard it would be a mushroom cloud
i was told it would be a disaster.

in my hopes, i heard it would be an un-end.
i was told he would be my friend.

in reality, it was neither.
but in reality, it was both.

on one hand, i read him saying that i don't deserve his affections.
i read it as the stem of the mushroom cloud.
on the other hand, he did me a favor and stopped his deflections.
he said what i suspected out loud.

i didn't have to ask him.
i didn't have to beg.
i see now i was right
and my heart stands on its last leg.

i have abused myself
by ignoring my intuition
i have abused myself
by waiting for my work to come to fruition

i was the only one working in this relationship
i was the one in love without exception
but it doesn't matter now
because i don't deserve his affection.

thank you Mr. Bitchass for clearing that up for me.

Idle Hearted Music

This girl
This woman is idle hearted
This girl
This woman is from her anguish
Now departed

She writes her words to sing
Not to be spoken
She sings to repair a voice that's broken.

You call her names
And it burns some flames
Behind her eyes
You call her names
And she can't hear them
Are you surprised?

They call her crazy
This crazy lady
She doesn't bother
To even answer
Because she's lazy

She's made lethargic
By faulty logic
At which you seem so adept
She's going college
As you made her promise
So what did you expect?

I know you're reading
But my voice is singing
To silence the names you call me
I know you're reading
And I'm still singing
To balance the names you call me

I am defeated
But not yet dead

No matter what damage my life seem to accrue
I tear it down and build something anew
But when you walk in the room
I pause
For my dreams seem to be confounded by you.

The Best You Never Had

 

i came to you, already vandalized.

i told you...everything.

i made you aware of all the vandalism

i listed all of my damage to you

and you said you understood

you said it was okay.

i empowered you.

i gave you authority.

because i thought you loved me.

i thought you supported me.

i reported to you

resorted to you

when i felt shunned and resourceless

when people were wicked to me

and remorseless

i thought you would support me.

along the way, while i recovered from my wounds

while i became a womyn

while i re-calibrated my life

worked hard for the future of my womb

i changed a little bit.

"i changed my behavior"

i changed, i admit, and i'm happy about it.

the change made me realize

something was wrong

and what would i have done without it?

would you have given me my autonomy?

would you have given me respect?

the true story is

had i not changed

i'd still be suffering from neglect

my life and happiness

would never be able to intersect

and to the girl i have cheated

i would still be in debt.

out of my victimhood

and into defiance

you rebuke me

for my lack of compliance.

i talk, but i am only talking to myself

i talk to him, but he cares about nothing else

except to chastise me

use his words to re-victimize me

he condescends me

more than he commends me

or tries to amend me.

i was wrong

i am human

i hurt you

i was wrong.

i lied to you

i kept secrets

i didn't trust you

i kept secrets.

i apologize.

like anita baker

i apologize a million times

we can talk

answer your questions

make you secure

make you a part of this world of mine.

 i will give you back everything

let you back in

look at you and sing your praises

call you my king...

...if you would just humble yourself

and meet me halfway

calm your heart and soul

and listen to what i say.

i want to hear that you are truly sorry

that you care when i am sad

i am trying to believe

that you'll think before you talk

anytime you're mad.

i just feel so disrespected

i feel overlooked and neglected

i feel like a child in detention

with frustrations i am

not allowed to mention.

i stopped talking, stop confiding

in order to stop fighting

there is no tenderness when you talk to me

and no sympathy in your voice

so i quieted myself

to save myself

because i was left with no choice.

there is sadness in this girl here

typing you this plea

to give her some peace and love

or to simply leave her be.

despite what they say about you

i'm willing to hang on

but with each nasty word

i'm not sure i'll hold for long.

hear me please.

hear me plead.

i want you as my friend

i want to want you again.