Goodnight Zainab...I do love you

it was an unusual moment of break
and it was not the break i was expecting.

in my mind, i heard it would be a mushroom cloud
i was told it would be a disaster.

in my hopes, i heard it would be an un-end.
i was told he would be my friend.

in reality, it was neither.
but in reality, it was both.

on one hand, i read him saying that i don't deserve his affections.
i read it as the stem of the mushroom cloud.
on the other hand, he did me a favor and stopped his deflections.
he said what i suspected out loud.

i didn't have to ask him.
i didn't have to beg.
i see now i was right
and my heart stands on its last leg.

i have abused myself
by ignoring my intuition
i have abused myself
by waiting for my work to come to fruition

i was the only one working in this relationship
i was the one in love without exception
but it doesn't matter now
because i don't deserve his affection.

thank you Mr. Bitchass for clearing that up for me.

Idle Hearted Music

This girl
This woman is idle hearted
This girl
This woman is from her anguish
Now departed

She writes her words to sing
Not to be spoken
She sings to repair a voice that's broken.

You call her names
And it burns some flames
Behind her eyes
You call her names
And she can't hear them
Are you surprised?

They call her crazy
This crazy lady
She doesn't bother
To even answer
Because she's lazy

She's made lethargic
By faulty logic
At which you seem so adept
She's going college
As you made her promise
So what did you expect?

I know you're reading
But my voice is singing
To silence the names you call me
I know you're reading
And I'm still singing
To balance the names you call me

I am defeated
But not yet dead

No matter what damage my life seem to accrue
I tear it down and build something anew
But when you walk in the room
I pause
For my dreams seem to be confounded by you.