The Best You Never Had

 

i came to you, already vandalized.

i told you...everything.

i made you aware of all the vandalism

i listed all of my damage to you

and you said you understood

you said it was okay.

i empowered you.

i gave you authority.

because i thought you loved me.

i thought you supported me.

i reported to you

resorted to you

when i felt shunned and resourceless

when people were wicked to me

and remorseless

i thought you would support me.

along the way, while i recovered from my wounds

while i became a womyn

while i re-calibrated my life

worked hard for the future of my womb

i changed a little bit.

"i changed my behavior"

i changed, i admit, and i'm happy about it.

the change made me realize

something was wrong

and what would i have done without it?

would you have given me my autonomy?

would you have given me respect?

the true story is

had i not changed

i'd still be suffering from neglect

my life and happiness

would never be able to intersect

and to the girl i have cheated

i would still be in debt.

out of my victimhood

and into defiance

you rebuke me

for my lack of compliance.

i talk, but i am only talking to myself

i talk to him, but he cares about nothing else

except to chastise me

use his words to re-victimize me

he condescends me

more than he commends me

or tries to amend me.

i was wrong

i am human

i hurt you

i was wrong.

i lied to you

i kept secrets

i didn't trust you

i kept secrets.

i apologize.

like anita baker

i apologize a million times

we can talk

answer your questions

make you secure

make you a part of this world of mine.

 i will give you back everything

let you back in

look at you and sing your praises

call you my king...

...if you would just humble yourself

and meet me halfway

calm your heart and soul

and listen to what i say.

i want to hear that you are truly sorry

that you care when i am sad

i am trying to believe

that you'll think before you talk

anytime you're mad.

i just feel so disrespected

i feel overlooked and neglected

i feel like a child in detention

with frustrations i am

not allowed to mention.

i stopped talking, stop confiding

in order to stop fighting

there is no tenderness when you talk to me

and no sympathy in your voice

so i quieted myself

to save myself

because i was left with no choice.

there is sadness in this girl here

typing you this plea

to give her some peace and love

or to simply leave her be.

despite what they say about you

i'm willing to hang on

but with each nasty word

i'm not sure i'll hold for long.

hear me please.

hear me plead.

i want you as my friend

i want to want you again.

And He Drove Me Home: Sa Lone

As he drove me to my house
And I looked into his mouth
I saw miles and miles of lies
But I couldn't believe my eyes
So I walked about his lips
And he said "Give me a kiss"
I then turned my head about
Thinking I coud go without
him.


And we are ordinary people.


When he calls me on the phone
I must pretend I am alone
So as to dream a happy home
Full of children all our own
And we speak this dialect
For my home country's respect
And all day my heart will sing
Just for these little things
And when I look into him
I will really see my king.

And  we are ordinary people.

Before my day is sunset
Expectations must be met
When I dreamt as a girl
I dreamt I would save this world
So with my hands I will stroke,
With my voice, I will coax,
With my power, I will revoke
Africa's right to corruption
Interrupt demise and destruction
I will honor our womyn
I will impart our culture's ways
And I will celebrate Africa
For all the rest of my days.

Touch Me in My Water

My soul is water

My soul is water on which my sanity floats
In a small ship with my other selves
And all of my most feared ghosts

These ghosts on my boat are me too
Old selves murdered by denial
By persecution and by trial
They were spokespeople for my
Happiness
...silenced.

Possibly not for forever
They may speak again
My selves and I will listen together
And it won't matter whether
I am not damaged or still the same.

The damage will itself die
And I will be an African woman
Or I will at least try
to be responsible for my happiness.
I will wash myself with my own love
And be so excited for my nappiness
To be the change I speak of.

To change.
I can't wait to figure out
What's wrong with me
So I can sing with John
And say this is the way I used to be.

I will no longer honor this pain
But write it finished and done
Turn myself into an African queen
and a magical example for my son.

And I will make a life and love
A spirit of congruence and forgiveness
For my daughter
With this, I will take to my vessel
And touch myself in my water.

A Life with Less Than 200,000 Miles

I like to plan things,
I wish I could plan the whole world
Organize the whole world
Schedule the whole world
Neatly and nicely.
It isn't tat I don't like spontaneity
And it isn't that I honestly believe that such organization can be achieved
But it looks so nice on paper
The lists look so nice on paper
The calendars are so comforting
The charts are so artful
Not that anything goes right
That I write or I draw or I chart
Usually not a damn thing but bills and exams come through
The people change, disappear, cancel,
The family changes, gives up, stops,
The events end, cost too much, cost way too much
The calendar empties, taunts, becomes obsolete,
But the bills don't dwindle, don't die, but multiply
The bottle empties
Then I don't mind not planning
Or I plan with less rigor, less stringent in my ways
And in my planning, which is hoping in less ethereal terms, the optimism floods in and fills empty space
I am full with "Yes", "Definitely", "Soon", "I made it",
And the people return
The family picks up
The calendar comforts again
So I make another list and try to plan an end.

And It Is

Cannot take responsiblity for actions

Will not take responsiblity for actions
But I didn't ask 'em.


Still blaming others
Usually blaming her mothers
Her mother's inattention
As ill intention
As tie your tubes tight
So as to undo all the unrights
So that the child can sleep at night


Cannot take responsibility for actions
Will only accept the thing that shuns
her from her place
And they say it to her face

Not today and not tomorrow

Not for your hopes or your sorrows

Because...

But do you know who I am?

I am the reigning Queen of "I Don't Give a Damn".