i came to you, already vandalized.
i told you...everything.
i made you aware of all the vandalism
i listed all of my damage to you
and you said you understood
you said it was okay.
i empowered you.
i gave you authority.
because i thought you loved me.
i thought you supported me.
i reported to you
resorted to you
when i felt shunned and resourceless
when people were wicked to me
and remorseless
i thought you would support me.
along the way, while i recovered from my wounds
while i became a womyn
while i re-calibrated my life
worked hard for the future of my womb
i changed a little bit.
"i changed my behavior"
i changed, i admit, and i'm happy about it.
the change made me realize
something was wrong
and what would i have done without it?
would you have given me my autonomy?
would you have given me respect?
the true story is
had i not changed
i'd still be suffering from neglect
my life and happiness
would never be able to intersect
and to the girl i have cheated
i would still be in debt.
out of my victimhood
and into defiance
you rebuke me
for my lack of compliance.
i talk, but i am only talking to myself
i talk to him, but he cares about nothing else
except to chastise me
use his words to re-victimize me
he condescends me
more than he commends me
or tries to amend me.
i was wrong
i am human
i hurt you
i was wrong.
i lied to you
i kept secrets
i didn't trust you
i kept secrets.
i apologize.
like anita baker
i apologize a million times
we can talk
answer your questions
make you secure
make you a part of this world of mine.
i will give you back everything
let you back in
look at you and sing your praises
call you my king...
...if you would just humble yourself
and meet me halfway
calm your heart and soul
and listen to what i say.
i want to hear that you are truly sorry
that you care when i am sad
i am trying to believe
that you'll think before you talk
anytime you're mad.
i just feel so disrespected
i feel overlooked and neglected
i feel like a child in detention
with frustrations i am
not allowed to mention.
i stopped talking, stop confiding
in order to stop fighting
there is no tenderness when you talk to me
and no sympathy in your voice
so i quieted myself
to save myself
because i was left with no choice.
there is sadness in this girl here
typing you this plea
to give her some peace and love
or to simply leave her be.
despite what they say about you
i'm willing to hang on
but with each nasty word
i'm not sure i'll hold for long.
hear me please.
hear me plead.
i want you as my friend
i want to want you again.
