Not Enough Letters

5:33pm
Monday, January 14, 2008

I used to want my name to be Cassandra. Then Beatrice (do not know why). For the longest time, I wanted to be named Khadijah. I love that name. I love it so that my first daughter will have that name.

My real name, I cannot disclose. I got negros I do not like listening and watching…

But just know that I have come to love my name. I have come to love the questions about my name. What is the correct way to pronounce it? What does it mean?

I love the compliments too. I do not like the honest surprise at my name. Those who say, “How interesting”, or “Never heard that one before”, said in that “what-is-wrong-with-people-these-days-naming-their-children-such-mess?” kind of tone.

I have grown into liking my name and appreciating it. As a child, my name always wrecked the first hours of the first day of school.

Waking up in the morning, I would think of my teacher’s name. Then I would wonder if she might have taken the time to rehearse the names on her roster.

I would do that. If I am ever in the position to have to call out people’s names and I have the list available to me beforehand, I will practice. I can always look up pronunciations. I also have a group of ethnic friends whom I could consult.

No one is my kind of weird though, so clearly, no teacher ever rehearsed. Or at least their pronunciations did not serve as evidence if they did rehearse.

Substitute teachers were also impending anxiety attacks, especially the substitute teachers I was expecting. You know, when the teacher would announce she would not be coming tomorrow and then name the substitute that would be with us. Hated those.

I wonder if they are given a roster beforehand. They should. The self esteem of many a child depends on it.

With age, it is not so bad. Although I find myself feeling a tinge of anxiety at the DMV while I wait for the woman who took my picture to call my name and hand me my license.

I even feel a little hot in class at college in small lecture classes where we must go around and share our names.

I also still hate and will always hate, “Share a little something about yourself…”

Why? Who are these people to share anything with? Get outta here.