Douchebag Syndrome

There are two things that I must be. I must be relatively happy and I must be a mother. Everything else falls under the category of "really want" or "would be nice to have/be".

I understand happiness now as a big picture scenario. There will always be things, people, places, etc. that I do not like but have to engage, but in the "big picture" or the "grand scheme", I should be happy. It is the details that make happiness elusive because I am stuck reading the fine print, missing that the rest of the contract is a great deal.

I must be a mother, preferably the conventional way. I do want to adopt, but I want to carry a child to term, get drugs, and give birth. There will be no birth without drugs. But there will be children, no matter what.

On a related note, I also decided that I will marry. I hate men. They are disgusting and manipulative and self-centered, especially the ones in my life (except for my Dad). They benefit from a culture of patriachy and take further advantage of it by denying such a culture exists. But I will marry and I will try not to hate him, we will raise our children, and make it work.